I have been helping a friend out lately with her depression. It’s been helping me to have someone who is feeling like me and I can help.
It’s been making me think back on my battles with depression. I’d say they started when I was about 10.
I was always a chunky kid, had long straight hair, wore glasses, and braces… I was never popular. And since the age of eight I dealt with emotional abuse from my grandmother. She had a heart of gold but she also had dementia and Alzheimer’s. I didn’t understand it then because I was so young, but the things she said that she saw weren’t truly there.
She accused me of having men in my room, she would call me a whore, told me I would burn in hell for the things I was doing with them. She told me she saw my own father in the room with me, molesting me.
That started my downward spiral with depression. I tried to work up the nerve to hang myself when I was 12 but luckily my dad came home early from work. At 13 I started cutting myself. Then I started drinking. I went years drinking, and cutting, through out high school. I was never good enough I felt ugly and alone.
After a while I decided I wanted to be a new me I had issues with eating but my parents kept a good watch on that. I started doing exercise everyday walking 4 miles on a treadmill I would do exercise 3 or 4 times a day.
I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents how depressed and upset I was, because in their eyes God will take care of everything. They would never approve of me going on any type of medication.
this caused me to develop a few different obsessions throughout the years one was my yoga and my exercise which helped. The other was a strange kind of meditation that I did every night as I showered I would shower the “failure” of the day off. It helped me feel a little better about myself as odd as that sounds.
Later in life the drinking went on I drank and drank every day of the week and would come home completely wasted. It took the pregnancy of my first born to help me stop the drinking.
Now with all of my pain issues I’ve been very depressed, I’ve been rebooted more than once to go back to my old destructive ways. But since I’ve been helping my friend, I have begun to once again do my nightly rituals, my shower “meditation”, and my yoga. And I can truly say that between that and helping my friend has made me feel a little better.