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Living with chronic pain 

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For most of my life I have been a healthy person, as of the last 2 years I have been living with chronic pain. I look healthy but I am in constant pain. I am starting this blog I  hopes that I can reach out to others that like me are going through life with pain. I hope I can help others to deal with this and hope others might be able to help me on my journey as well. 

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The meaning of dreams

Years ago as a child I had the same reoccurring dream, I was being chased through houses through cemeteries… I always woke up terrified and the dream ended the same way each time I would be in a cemetery at night and there were these three crosses made of metal.

Recently I went to Puerto Rico for my grandmother’s funeral, as I was driving up to the cemetery I saw something that all but gave me a panic attack. The same Three Crosses that I had seen in my nightmares years ago with the same Hills and trees, that is the view that I saw for the first time in real life as I was driving up to that Cemetery.

I’m not one to believe in the Supernatural but that day I believed, and still do believe, that something bigger than me or you is in play here.

That night when I went to bed I dreamed of an encounter with a demon; I stood in the cemetery watching as this black, evil, figure walked towards me. I was too scared to run I was too scared to scream, as it finally reached me and went to touch me I turned and ran. I had that dream two nights in a row.

Then I had a very different dream I was laying in bed tossing and turning and there was something crawling on to my bed it’s the try to grasp onto my legs I screamed and tried to get away. That night I woke up with my foot sticking out of the bed and this Eerie feeling that, that wasn’t a dream. I have done nothing more than turn to God and it seems to have stopped as suddenly as it started.

Still seems surreal and odd but I think I’ll be ok as long as I believe in God and have him in my heart.

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Apologies

Hi there followers, I’m sorry for my absence. I’ve been feeling like I have nothing to say. Nothing of importance any way. Since November I’ve lost an uncle and just recently my grandma. My dad’s mom was a wonderful, loving, God fearing woman. She was the glue that held the family together.

Losing family hurts, but losing her was devastating. I’ve never felt anything like it. They say you reap what you sow and she’d most definitely sold nothing but love and acceptance. And then return she brought out the best in people.

I’ve lost friends, I have lost some of my family, I can pinpoint the exact moment that my heart ripped in half. She passed away on what should have been a wonderful day, she passed away on my 9 year anniversary which is also Valentine’s Day. I don’t believe it was coincidence that that was the day she passed away but it hurt like hell.

With that being said I apologize for being away for so long I apologize for everything that I’ve done and I pray to God that he will forgive me one day. Thank you for listening to my woes.

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Mammogram time

So there’s always something going on with me. I have a carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel release scheduled for 2 weeks. 

That to me is a walk in the park. They open the area correct it and on with life I go. 

Three weeks ago I started having breast pain. Brushed it off until it got worse. Now I can barely put a bra on. Finally went to the doctors and I have a lump. Now I gotta schedule a mammogram. 

This is super scary at 27 I’m having issues that most people don’t get or if they do it’s not till they are over 50. I have family, I have friends but I have no one to talk to about this. 

If anything happens to me, what happens to my kids? My daughter worships daddy, but my son is my light and I’m his. He cries if I go outside with out him because I’m too far away. He is my mommas boy. He and I have a bond like no other and if im not around, I’m not sure what he would do. 

That thought scares the shit out of me. Regardless of this new issue there is still a very real chance that I will be gone before they graduate or get married. I’m trying my hardest to get healthy and stay there.

I just don’t get how God only gives you what you can handle, but I can’t handle this anymore. I have too much going on and I try to give it all to god but it just keeps piling up. I just can’t get past my fears and my thoughts. I can’t get past the fact that I was always the rock and now I need that in my life.

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Quiet 

I’ve been pretty quiet these days. Health was doing better. But we all know that when it comes to chronic illness things change on a regular. 

I’m painfull and sad again. I don’t know how to make it better again. So until it gets better I will listen to music and stay quietly at home trying to make things better. 

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This year

Every one has their “New years resolutions” this year I don’t. 

Every year I want to lose weight, I want to be the old me. I feed into these ideas that you have to be a better you, a Skinner you. 

These ideas are warped and I’m not saying don’t listen to it if your into fitness good for you, if not that’s ok too. There is no right or wrong body shape. 

This year I’m focused on health, both mental and physical. I want to do more than lose weight I want to be strong! I don’t want a lot of things, I want less clutter. I want a calm happy place to call my home. 

This year I want to help others as much as others have helped me. 

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It’s been a little, but I’m finally doing ok. My body doesn’t feel like it’s falling apart any more. 

I have gotten down to two meds two times a day and Tylenol as needed. I’m so greatfull for this. I’m able to exersice again. 

I’m not 100% but I’m so much better. 

This year I will be focusing on my health, my body, and my family. As selfish as it may sound I need everything in order for me so that i can be the mother my children need me to be.  

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Music

There’s something so peaceful about listening to a good song. 

Recently I’ve been battling depression, it’s the worst it’s been ever. All I want to do is cry all day. I feel like the world, my world is slowly crumbling. I’m a passenger in this train wreck I call life, my train has derailed and all I can do is watch as it burns. 

My only outlet at this time is music, and there are so many good ones that I feel put my feelings into words. They’re helping me to understand how I feel and why I feel it. And after so many years and so much going on in my life it feels good to be able to sit in my car in the dark, middle of the night. I just listen two song after song, I’ll sing along to a few. Others I just listened to and cry, it’s all I can do to keep myself from driving and just running away. For those brief moments at least my mind can wander and I focus on the lyrics the content of the music and there’s not a care in the world. For those couple of minutes I am free.

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Inside my depressed mind

My mind goes a million miles an hour. It races thinking of friends that left my side, family who had departed, the bills, my kids, all the things I feel that I am doing wrong. Will my kids still love me when they find out that mom is a horrible person? I try my best but some days I feel like, the world is crumbling at my feet. I leave destruction in my wake. Tthen i have days where i feel like nothing can curb my love for life. Its a high like no other! 

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Afraid of being alone

So many people talk about the benefits of spending time alone, wanting to center yourself. But what if like me your afraid of your own thoughts. 

Being alone gives me too much time to think, and my thoughts, my mind is a scary place. So many things that could have been different if I did this or that. So many regrets, so much pain. 

How do I end the pain? 

My thoughts bring me to a place that scares me. A place that I hate myself. 

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As time goes by…

It’s been a few weeks since my last post, I appologize. 

I was working as a full time medical assistant, going to school part time, and I am a mother of two. In one year I dropped out of school, then I had to lower my work hours… well long story short I ended up getting put on medical leave due to my fibromyalgia. 

I’ve been put on all sorts of meds and physical therapy. I got better, then worse again. I’ve had test after test run and nothing shows up. And up to a couple weeks ago I didn’t realize how cynical and depressed I was becoming.

It wasn’t until I was sitting in my tub with a knife. Just pressing it against my wrists, and telling myself what a piece of shit I was for not being healthy yet. It was then that I realized, I NEED HELP. I went the next day to my family doctor who immeditely sent me to the local hospitals psych ward. 

I feel a little better, but it helped me realize who my real support system really is. As well as that I need to cope a little better with stress. I’m trying very hard to just get better mentally as well as physically. I still feel like I’m not doing enough for my family, but I am only human and things are bound to fall behind a little. 

Step by step, minute by minute, I try. That’s all anyone can do, is try and never give up.