Uncategorized

Living with chronic pain 

post

For most of my life I have been a healthy person, as of the last 2 years I have been living with chronic pain. I look healthy but I am in constant pain. I am starting this blog I  hopes that I can reach out to others that like me are going through life with pain. I hope I can help others to deal with this and hope others might be able to help me on my journey as well. 

Advertisements
Uncategorized

Jigsaw puzzle 

I feel like a jigsaw puzzle…. my pieces were scattered. 

I need to find my pieces and put them back together… I might need some help getting them in place. I don’t know that yet…. in this journey I’m taking I feel as if I’m on a scavenger hunt looking for that piece that goes here or the piece that goes there. And I can’t find my pieces any where. I’m traveling aimlessly. I try to take in the view as I walk but I’m too consumed by my search to notice the little things around me. The beauty around me in life, the things I take for granted. 

Everyday is a struggle for me, I’m trying to take it one day at a time. 

Uncategorized

Relationship

Hello fellow followers,

So I understand I can be a burden, but is it ok to make me feel as if I did something wrong by being sick? I didn’t think so…..

I’ve been feeling worse and worse, the doctors don’t seem to know what to do with me anymore. They act as if I’m exaggerating or lying. 

I was told today that I should have expected to be put out of work. That I should have had a plan B….. 

If I had known that this was going to progress the way it has I wouldn’t be here now would I? I wouldn’t be frustrated by my lack of progress, my increase in pain. I would be prepared to deal with this, not caught by surprise and desperately tying to see what my options are. I would’ve never wasted my time trying to go back to school for a degree I can never use. 

I would’ve saved more money so that I could survive a bit longer with out income. Gone to different doctors….. 

But I’m not a mind reader or seer. By now I thought I’d be better. Back to the old me. Working 9 to 10 hours a day and walking out feeling fresh as a daisy. Coming home to clean cook and bathe my kids. Read them their bedtime story, sit down myself and relax for a little before bed.

I want that girl back as much as everyone else does. 

Uncategorized

Working

I’ve been fighting so hard to get better, and nothing is helping.

I was put on cymbalta and it helped for a little. Then the pain came back… More meds were added and taken away. It’s like a game, take this see how you feel. At times the number of pills I take a day range from 6 to 13. 

Somehow I’ve managed to continue working a full time job. Now with my newest issue….my back pain and sciatic nerve pain…. they have put me off work. 

I have never felt so useless in my life. I have always worked, sometimes more than one job at a time. And now all I am allowed to do is sit. If I drive my leg has a searing burning pain, if I stand for too long the pain is there. The only comfortable position is sitting or laying. 

I’ve never been this bad and I hate relying on others for anything, I just keep praying that this will soon be over and I’ll be up on my feet again soon. 

Uncategorized

Tired

I’ve been struggling as you all know,  I feel like I’m getting worse as time goes on. They still have not found what’s wrong with me, and the medication is getting to me. One medication makes me sleepy, another antsy, yet another makes me not want to eat and the other makes me hungry. I’m tired of medication, doctors and pain. 

My body is failing me and the doctors don’t seem to listen. 

Uncategorized

Abuelita 

From the time I was born until I was 9 my grandmother lived with my parents and I. My abuelita was everything to me she was amazing. 

That was until she began to forget things and began to get paranoid. It started with little things, saying we moved her things, or that someone came into her room to steal her things. 

Then it escalated, she started telling me she saw men in my room. I was 7….

As the months went by it got worse. She started “seeing” these men molest me. She told me I had to tell my mom.  Not once was there a man in my room other than my father, but she saw different men in there all the time. She accused me of liking it. She began to get aggressive, telling 7 to 8 year old me I was a whore. 

Girls like me went to hell, we were worthless. I began to think I was worthless. I was scared to tell my mom, what if she didn’t believe me and sided with abuelita? What if she thought I was lying?

Then she told me that she saw my dad molesting me, that was the last straw. I finally went to my mom and told her everything. Within months my grandmother lived away and I only was her when we went to Puerto Rico for vacation. 

It was 3 years that I dealt with that and I hated her for it. I didn’t understand she was sick.  Years later when she passed away, I didn’t go to her funeral. I blamed her for putting me through so much mental distress. 

I thought for years it was something I did wrong. Something that I could’ve done differently. It took a long time for me to be able to forgive her and know that it was her sickness not her. 

As an adult I have forgiven her and am able to try to live my life to the fullest. Mental, emotional, or physical abuse is not the victims fault it’s the abuser. Do not forget that. 

Uncategorized

Downward spiral

I have been helping a friend out lately with her depression. It’s been helping me to have someone who is feeling like me and I can help. 

It’s been making me think back on my battles with depression. I’d say they started when I was about 10.

I was always a chunky kid, had long straight hair, wore glasses, and braces… I was never popular. And since the age of eight I dealt with emotional abuse from my grandmother. She had a heart of gold but she also had dementia and Alzheimer’s. I didn’t understand it then because I was so young, but the things she said that she saw weren’t truly there.

She accused me of having men in my room, she would call me a whore, told me I  would burn in hell for the things I was doing with them. She told me she saw my own father in the room with me, molesting me.

That started my downward spiral with depression. I tried to work up the nerve to hang myself when I was 12 but luckily my dad came home early from work. At 13 I started cutting myself. Then I started drinking. I went years drinking, and cutting, through out high school. I was never good enough I felt ugly and alone.

After a while I decided I wanted to be a new me I had issues with eating but my parents kept a good watch on that. I started doing exercise everyday walking 4 miles on a treadmill I would do exercise 3 or 4 times a day.

I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents how depressed and upset I was, because in their eyes God will take care of everything. They would never approve of me going on any type of medication.

 this caused me to develop a few different obsessions throughout the years one was my yoga and my exercise which helped. The other was a strange kind of meditation that I did every night as I showered I would shower the “failure” of the day off. It helped me feel a little better about myself as odd as that sounds.

Later in life the drinking went on I drank and drank every day of the week and would come home completely wasted. It took the pregnancy of my first born to help me stop the drinking.

Now with all of my pain issues I’ve been very depressed,  I’ve been rebooted more than once to go back to my old destructive ways. But since I’ve been helping my friend,  I have begun to once again do my nightly rituals, my shower “meditation”, and my yoga. And I can truly say that between that and helping my friend has made me feel a little better.

Uncategorized

First friday

So today my boyfriend decided we should go to first Friday out on the town. He knew I always wanted to go and explore. He is truly the best. He pushes me to go outside on my worst of days and tries to get me to at least try to live more normally. I love him for it.

On the same note it is hard on my body. I want to be the 27 yr old I am and drink and party and go to the little lounges and the bars around town. But the next day I pay dearly. 

I get the worst pain after drinking or smoking. Walking is so hard omg my back and legs are sore as can be.

But as always I put on my mask of smiles and become super mom, super girlfriend and super friend. 

I try to be 27 again if only for a couple hours.

Uncategorized

Life

My life is no where near how thought it would be at this point in time.

I pictured myself as a nurse by now. One degree under my belt and maybe working on another. Married with kids, good job, a house…. 

Instead I find myself unmarried with 2 kids, the reason I’m here, an ok job, a small apartment and a boy friend who doesn’t believe in marrage. 

I left home at a young age, dropped out of college to work and pay bills. It was no one’s fault but my own. I had my kids young and they have been my inspiration to  live, to do better. 

I thought I was at a stage that I could go back to school and get that nursing degree I wanted and then I got sick. It feels as if I try and try but I keep falling down. I know God has a plan for everyone. And doesn’t put you through anything you can’t handle, right? 

There are days that I want to throw in the towel, say fuck it. Who cares if I’m no longer here?! No one will notice….

But then I remember I have 2 little ones who are looking and no matter how many times I fall, they will remember that mom always got up and tries harder, for Them. 

Life is hard, its unfair and unrelenting, but you have to get up and show those little ones that life isn’t about giving up it’s about getting up.

Get up and never stop trying!

Uncategorized

Trick or treat

So tomorrow is Halloween. My kids are so excited.

Here I have a dilemma, if I go to work i will NOT be able to handle walking around town trick or treating. If I miss a full days work I will not be bringing in much needed money. How do I decide my job over my kids. 

God that sounds so wrong right. But now that I’ve been sick I’ve tried to be super mom and stay up late and get up early. Clean, and cook and get everything ready for the next day. Put on makeup and be a diva at work just to come up home to bath time dinner time story time and finally bed time, to do the cleaing again. 

My body can’t handle super mom. I’ve had to decide clean or cook. Bath time or bed time.

Thankfully I have a partner who is willing to help but I hate it. I’m mom aren’t I supposed to do it all and then some? 

So this year I think I’m going to have to settle for dress up and makeup for the kids and let dad take them out. 

Mom’s I know when we are in pain or depressed these issues that we once did with out thinking become these huge problems. And I know not all are luck as I am to have the support system I have. But we should all help one another out. Right? If you have the help take it. Get better for your kids so you may miss out somethings, but you’ll be there when it counts.

Uncategorized

Invisible illness

Many people like myself deal with invisible illnesses.

Pain both physical and mental that only he or she can feel. Others don’t understand that some of the time. They feel as if you look fine and healthy, you are fine and healthy 

I don’t want to be sick, I do not want attention. People forget that. They think because they see nothing, nothing is wrong and that is wrong to think that way. Everyone has their own internal battles.

I have been laying in bed for a few hours now in severe pain. Do not for one second believe that I didn’t think about drinking the full bottle of meds and hope that I can slip painlessly into sleep and never wake up. But then I remember, I have family who needs me and friends who love me.  I need to fight.

Remember even when it’s dark and your lonely, there is always something good waiting for you on the other side of your struggle. God will be there for you to carry you through.